She finds comfort in reading. She seeks solace in writing. And at times when she would let herself think, over-thinking seems to cause her to be somewhat mentally drained. But at the same time she did not impede from questioning herself what really are the predicaments or worse still if she creates her own. Is she having an epiphany? It sounds ridiculous she doesn’t see herself clearly. Or maybe she does but she just blindly craved the need to feel convinced time and time again and it seems like that is when she became the slave to her emotions. When she tried to reason with herself she knew that she should be contented with what she has because they are just millions out there that couldn’t care less but here is she becoming a martyr. A dog worrying a bone. The thing is that neither an affluent man is placated with all he has.
She firmly believes that the world holds so much beauty which she yearns to explore. Peace and pure bliss in life need not stem from luxury and all materialism. Instead the heart needs to be filled up with the simplest things one can ever imagine but yet find difficulty to reach out to that bottom. She needs someone to see through her and be the mirror of it, to impart in ways she did not thought possible nonetheless hold on dearly to that miraculous belief. She would then not be afraid to perish – tomorrow, anytime – but knowing that her heart had swell and burst ardently because she finally could say that she had it even though no one ever grasp her.
She doesn’t picture solitude even if she is miles away all by herself knowing that she already clasped that silver lining at the end of the cloud. She just faces all these insecurities because she is too much of a coward to be disappointed by anyone or anything. She fears that that completeness will not live up to what she desires. She had fall and got back up on her knees knowing that she would live through it with sufficient ease. And that is when it suddenly turned around and gave her another one touch that made her world blaze and infatuate, at the same time tumble and succumb into an unwelcome pit she doesn’t wish to revisit. Because subconsciously she knew that it gave her commitment, moreover lifted up her hopes once again she just could not stand to endure the haze that threatens to lambaste her crux consequently.
She knows this is thwarting people surround her with chagrin she thought was fair enough to be ridiculed. But that’s just her, and she berate the inner voice that never ceases with rebuke. To be alive she needs to embrace it – pain tangle with joy – in order to keep the creature inside intact, to sample what life has to offer in all departments while life has more than a small taste of something sweet at the end. She hopes that whatever she did – as insignificant as it seems – conveys its mean figuratively. Not necessarily saying anything but being together, just drinking in the comfort of having each other’s presence in silence during little moments is something to cherish.
This, she gave her all the tenacity and something to fight for… She would be anything, do anything. She only wishes that they are both capable of being equals. That at the end of the day she could be the one to close the open-window she firstly embarked for her. Having enough said and done, it is only up to the ultimatum to find out. She is sure that it will all be as worthy as her.
